When the child reaches the age of two, the possibility of the dreaded tantrums occurring in public opens up. At any time and for any reason, an explosion of conflicting emotions may erupt that upsets the child, his parents and everyone.The first tantrums are part of the process of separating the baby from the mother. When the child begins to realize that he is an autonomous person. Who may want something different from what his parents want.
How to control a tantrum?
Marcelo is 2 and a half years old. Like every Sunday, they take Marcelo to the park. The difference this time is that it goes alone with mom, because the father could not accompany them. Marcelo played with other children but missed Papa. When it was time to return, Marcelo asked his mother to buy him a toy that they sold on the spot. She refused.Marcelo started crying and asking for the toy. His mother, without losing her temper, told her that she could not buy it and that they should leave now. Marcelo was still crying and refused to leave the place. Marcelo’s frustration was increasing. The tantrum had begun.The mother turned away from everyone’s sight, crouched down to Marcelo’s height, looked him in the eyes, hugged him and sat him on his legs. He spoke with a very low and calm tone.
He told her very gently, that he understood his anger because Papa had not been able to go, he explained why he could not buy the toy and that they should go home. Marcelo cried hugged by his mother and unloaded his frustration. After a few minutes he had calmed down.
Why do tantrums happen?
Tantrums, tantrums or tantrums in public are a state of young children, who do not know how to express their impatience, their frustration or their anger.They usually originate for a very slight reason and, in this case, usually last little. To know how to act before these behaviors, it is important to identify the cause that originates it:
- The child wants to show his autonomy in a challenging and demanding way, it’s hard for them to wait.
- There are unmet physiological needs . The child is hungry, sleepy, tired, physically unwell.
- There is absence or confusion with the rules and boundaries of the home. The parents are either very permissive or very authoritarian.
- In more severe cases, tantrums may indicate depression, irritability, problems or behavior disorders.
How to handle tantrums in public?
Tantrums in public begin when the child is seized by feelings that are unknown, not controlled and can not cope , by changes in their environment or because what you expect or want does not happen.The child directs his anger or frustration towards his parents, believing that the parents should have foreseen or avoided what happened. In this sense, we leave you our recommendations to better manage and control tantrums in public.
keep calm
Although it seems impossible, it is important that parents maintain full control of their emotions at the time of the tantrum. Otherwise, they would be acting at the same level as the children, who are driven by impulses.The example of parents is key to teaching children to self-regulate. Likewise, if we let ourselves be carried away by emotions, it is possible to fall into situations such as child abuse.
Anticipate the tantrum
Parents should learn to identify the triggers of the tantrum in public. For example, if you take the child to do a diligence to the bank or supermarket, it is normal to feel tired or easily bored, because they are spaces that do not offer anything of interest.If you have already determined that tiredness overwhelms you, it will not be enough to say ” behave yourself “. You have to explain that they are going to a place where they will have to wait a while, there will be many people, where they can not run or make noise.
An explanation gives security and tranquility to the child. He knows what is expected of him and can act accordingly. Given these “boring” outings, it is good to include a toy or something that can be distracted in your bag, a snack and water in case you need it.
Be firm with your decision
You have to firmly maintain the decision you have made. However, it is possible to be firm with loving words and without shouting. In this it is important that both parents agree. A parent should not change or disrespect the decision the other has made.The firmness will give a clear message to your child: tantrums in public are not necessary to get what you want. This is essential to prevent tantrums from becoming habitual behavior.Also, it is important that parents agree what the rules are, with what flexibility they will handle the rules (yes, it is valid to be flexible and give in at some point, but aware that you are doing it) . Giving orders is not the same as proposing limits and norms.
Promotes mutual respect
Just as parents should remain calm and avoid overreaching with children, they should also make children understand that they can not be rude or overindulge with parents.You must insist and explain to your child that you will listen better if he calms down , not only because he should be respectful, but also because if he screams and cries, it is much more difficult to understand what is happening to him.Never leave alone or ignore your child during the tantrum . That gives a very negative message to the child: “I’m not interested in what’s happening to you” . Of course it is true that the child wants to get your attention! In fact: he needs it. For the love and respect you have for him, give it to him.
Make eye contact
Before the tantrums in public, you must speak to your son looking straight into his eyes. To do this, either you put yourself at your physical height, bending over to your side, or you load it up to your height or you sit down and put it on your lap.While you talk to him do not stop looking him straight in the eyes, until the child responds to that look. In what happens, it is the best time to dialogue and reason with the child.It is also recommended that you make physical containment of your body, especially if in the explosion of the tantrum there is some danger to yourself or to others. Important: stay away from the eyes towards a quieter environment to calm down.
Validate the emotion of your child
To promote your child’s ability to control himself, nothing is better than affection and empathy. Validate and accompany your emotion. For example, you can say: “I can see that you are very upset”, “I realize that you are very angry”.
Recognizing emotion is the first step in regulating it. It is not about the child repressing his emotions, because that can then overflow in other behaviors or emotional problems. But that he can recognize what he feels and can let it go. Hug it while it cries and relieves the energy that overflows it.
Penalize the behavior, not the child
Avoid physical punishment, screaming and threats that violate the integrity of your child , as not only have legal rights, but also this type of reprimand teach to be afraid of authority figures, but do not cultivate respect by them.The relationship with your child is impaired by physical and emotional abuse. The emotional damage generates more frustration, guilt and anger than initially wanted to contain, when the tantrums appeared in public and did not know how to handle correctly.
Final considerations
Anticipating the situations that can trigger a tantrum is not so easy, but it is not impossible . It is part of the process of getting to know your child, specifying what he likes and what makes him uncomfortable. No mother is born knowing how to do it, we are learning to be a mother with our son.If you ever lose your temper at a tantrum from your child, it is important that you do the necessary self-analysis so that you can control yourself better next time. Forgive yourself and ask your son for forgiveness. Together they will find the way to learn to manage their emotions.And, finally, forget about the “what they will say” those who are witnessing a tantrum from your son. There will be no shortage of opinion leaders. Those you can ignore, never your child. In order for your child to achieve calmness, he needs to connect with you and your love . Dedicate yourself to him, that the storm will have passed in minutes. Sooner rather than later, you will say goodbye to tantrums.